When our toddlers 'misbehave'

This is a post for any other parents out there who are wondering why on earth your toddlers are suddenly calling strangers in the street “Poo!”, telling your adult friends to “go away!” or embarrassing you in any other such lovely way. Next time your angel shouts “No!” at you, in public, don’t get angry, or wonder where you have gone wrong. Just sit back and feel proud that he is behaving just as a small child should.

When Jemima started showing utter disregard for my words or requests it really took me by surprise. I suppose I had always expected that she would be sensible and able to understand my explanations of why we have to behave in a certain way. She was a perfect child, after all. Yet here she was, confidently exercising a sometimes hostile, sometimes plain furious new form of self-expression. (I ought to be clear that I am not talking about tantrums, though I shall soon of course. This post is about what we generally consider defiance or bad behaviour that exasperates us, whereas tantrums are about extreme emotional distress or a desire to control.)

I couldn’t understand why she had to spoil an outing to a café by climbing all over everything? Why wouldn’t she listen when I asked her to please behave herself? How unappreciative! Why, when I asked her nicely to please help me tidy up, did she have to shout “No! You do it!” with a look that I imagined I would not see until she reached puberty.

It particularly got to me when it happened in public. I realised that I had no idea what to do about it. I wanted to stand there a while, scratch my head and think about the best way to respond. But the (perceived) pressure of other adults’ expectations made me jump into some un-thought through response, usually involving bribes, a sharp tone, or desperate pleas – all totally ineffectual.

A good example is her kid’s yoga class, run by the mother of one of her best friends. Every Tuesday afternoon Jemima and I would have this conversation before hand.

“When you see Sofia you must remember that you will have ages to play afterwards. During the class I just want you to listen to her mother and enjoy the yoga with me. No more messing about and disrupting the class, ok?”

“Yes ok, I really won’t mess about Mummy”.

I would then resolve to relax, be very zen, and we’d enjoy the class together. But each week, we’d end up in a battle again. Jemima is unable to resist the charms of her gorgeous little friend and the two of them would just giggle and run around. For some reason I found this very stressful and heard myself whispering ridiculous things in her ear. “I did not bring you here to play, you are supposed to be doing yoga! She’s barely three years old for goodness sake! You will be pleased to hear that, by the last class, I finally realised it simply did not matter as long as she didn’t spoil it for the others. That afternoon I pretended to be a jelly fish with the other kids while my own daughter played outside with her friend.

It’s not just with me of course. At school she was put in time out for chatting too much, and, after teacher Lisa asked her to sit down for story time, she laughed, ran about and sang “We’re being naughty! We’re being naughty!” It sounds silly now but at the time I was thinking, where did I go wrong?

I found myself obsessing about it. Had I failed Jemima in some way when she was younger? Was she stressed? I decided it was caused by the horrible few weeks when we sleep trained her, using controlled crying. She was roughly the same age as her tiny sister is now. I have written about this episode before so I won’t go on about it here, (except to say that I deeply regret it and would not dream of doing it with Bella, now I am more confident and no longer swayed by what other mothers are doing with their babies.)

So you can imagine my delight when, after weeks of thinking there was something wrong with me and my child, I discovered last night that she is perfectly normal after all (still not sure about me). I know I keep talking about my parenting bible ,“The Science of Parenting” by Margot Sunderland, and no she is not paying me commission. It is just that it makes such brilliant reading and is so relevant to my every day experiences. So let me just tell you what I read last night. Actually it all sounds so obvious when I write it here, but still, we all need reminding don’t we?

Children under five simply do not yet have the brain development to control their natural urges to run, jump and climb. They are naturally impulsive, easily distracted, unable to focus and prone to lots of manic behaviour. If a child is lost in some activity it is ‘truly difficult for her to respond to you’. Name-calling is normal way of expressing anger, particularly when they do not have the words to express how they are actually feeling. Hoorah! I knew my child was perfect! The book explains exactly what is going on in their brains at a given moment – it is fascinating and such a great way of helping us understand our children.

But now we understand, what can we do about it? Of course the book gives us lots of tips for how to deal with it all. Most of them have a running theme – listen, watch, respect and try to empathise with what your child is feeling. Be aware that rationalising may not work, draw boundaries for unacceptable behaviour and cut them some slack.

Here are some of my recent methods. I encourage Jemima to jump all over our sofa (we don’t have grass and there are no parks here) to get some of her energy out. We play loud music and dance. When she says mean things I try to ask her what she is feeling and tell her that it is ok to feel that and but let’s find a kinder way of expressing it. E.g. I’m not happy with you because you did this. I mostly ignore her unless she talks to me nicely. I try to make things like tidying up into a game or a race. I cuddle her a lot when she is tired and grumpy. I try to avoid her getting bored. I try to make a point of not disciplining her in public because it occurred to me that if I hate public conflict, she may well do too. And finally, I let things that used to drive me crazy waft over my head, while repeating my mantra: “She is only three. I am 34. She is only three. I am 34.”

I’ll write again with more tips soon, but there is one last and powerful thing I want to share with you.

As I said, I hate any kind of conflict in public. I really am hopeless at dealing confidently with a defiant Jemima in front of friends or strangers. I became one of those guests who well out-stayed her welcome, simply because I did not have the energy or confidence to deal with the endless arguments and negotiations that come with trying to leave a place where your child has been having fun.

And then I remembered something my Kundalini yoga teacher said the other day:

“When you want someone to hear what you are saying and take you seriously, or act upon your words, speak from your third Chakra. Your navel is your power base, visualise it as you speak.”

It works. The last two weeks I have used this technique and it has worked every time. I use it sparingly, only when I really need Jemima to listen and act fast, be it to get her shoes on, get dressed, stop doing something or help me with something. It is amazing. Even James, forever a sceptic when it comes to energy and chakras and what not, admits that there must be something in it.

Go on, have a try. Just when you feel you are losing control of everything, your child will respond to you and it will make your day! Then you can congratulate them for being so fab and give them a big hug to celebrate, all the time feeling warm inside that it was largely down to you!

And remember, your child is not misbehaving. There is no ill intent. She is simply being a child. Something else worth congratulating yourself about.

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