Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Some Julia Hollander inspired ramblings

I have just been reading the feedback to Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour programme on Maternal Ambivalence – (you can Listen Again to it here) and India Knight’s related column about Julia Hollander, a mother who has written a book about giving up her five-month old disabled daughter. Knowing very little about it all, not having read the book or been able to successfully Listen Again (abysmal internet connection), I do not feel qualified to comment. How could I, happy mother of two easy children, possibly presume to understand what she has gone through? But I cannot deny that the story has got inside my head and made me terribly sad.
My gut instinct agrees with some of what India Knight says about it all (makes a change, agreeing with something written in the Times): I am finding it very hard to empathise with a woman who has chosen to give up her baby daughter – younger sister to her older, ‘normal’ child -, remove all trace of her from the house, and then write a book about it.

It is also the media portrayal of her ‘bravery’ that I am uncomfortable with. While we should not judge a woman for her decision about what she feels is right for her and her own child, surely glamourising the abandonment of a child who was born disabled (from an older woman who must have been well aware of the risks) is simply promoting the conventional western belief that to give birth is a right we should all be entitled to, and that when we have done so, our needs as parents rank above those of our babies. And Hollander’s deed aside, the fact that she is now famous because of it troubles me.

Perhaps I am just bitter because, for the same reason that my book, encouraging positive, relaxed parenting, will never get published, it is a well-established truth that if you have had a miserable life experience you will have no trouble selling it! In my most desperate moments I have wondered about this – could I publish stories about the darker moments of my life? Would that not just be exploiting someone’s pain? I suppose I would always have to be guided by whether or not anyone would be helped by it. As a writer I believe in the value of sharing our life experiences and stories, but I also believe some things should remain unpublished, or at least, not for sale. I imagine Hollander expected that she would be helping other parents of disabled children for speaking out about the lack of support, but judging by some of their comments, it seems she has just alienated them for doing something they could never contemplate, and then making money from it.

Anyway I shall spare you any further ramblings on the subject, though I am interested in your views. I thought I would share the link because it is an interesting subject and followed by more discussion about post-natal depression. The overwhelming feeling as I read everyone’s comments was immense relief and gratitude. It was just one more reminder that I live in a world so full of suffering – and here in Cambodia it is laid out right in front of our eyes – and I am one of the lucky ones. So remind me, next time you hear me grumbling about my travelling husband, my wakeful baby, or never getting published, that my life without the first two would be hardly worth living, whereas the latter would really not make much difference at all.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yah, this is a tough one. I haven't listened to the show yet but from your description, I have a hard time judging her because I have not walked in her shoes. But I clearly remember that with my first son I struggled a bit with a mild case of post-partum depression. I honestly did not feel like carrying my child around all day, sleeping with him etc. For a few months it was my sense of duty that kept my son well fed and taken care off rather than my emotional side. It felt crappy but now I feel blessed that it wasn't worse. I didn't experience any of that with my second and am amazed at how different I feel. I enjoy him so much even through the colic he seemed to experience for a few months every day. These life experiences have given me a soft spot for women struggling with more severe forms of depression.

I also recently read an article about a woman that gave away her disabled son because she felt he was too much to handle (violent, no tender/loving moments etc.) I was in shock when I read it but again, she felt that her other two sons were not getting any attention because she was so focused on her disabled son. My heart broke for that boy because the only people that he cared about (in his own way) were now gone forever. Again, hard to judge her but these situations are so heartbreaking. Perhaps if there was more support for families with disabled children...Kasia

Georgie said...

Yep, definitely. Last night Bella screamed for hours with teething pain and I felt so exhausted and irritable. And I remember Jemima's colic, though did not last too long thankfully. I hate to think how bad it can get. All so sad...

Anonymous said...

Hmmmnnn. On a French computer and can't get through to the programme (?!)but read the article... and pretty much all 38 comments. Ok, there was nothing seriously wrong with E when she was born (trapped nerve, reflux) but she cried A LOT and we had a lot of difficulties with bfding. She cried for months actually, unless asleep or glued to me day and night or her Dad when he was there. Hence why we fell into AP or Contiuum-style parenting - out of necessity and instinct. I realised a lot later that I probably had mild PND too as I just could not understand why people were so excited about babies or why anyone could have more than one!!! (Which is why she is 28 months and has no sibling in view too - although I am coming round to the idea!) I certainly didn't enjoy her or being a mother until she was 6 months plus, plus, plus. Even though I felt v. responsible for her always and tried to be the best mother I could....BUT the difference between what I can only assume to be Julia H's approach and mine is that I saw the future or our mother-daughter relationship v. much down to me. It was MY responsibility and duty to make this work for both of us. She had no say in being born. She didn't choose me or her stress any more than I chose her and mine. It just was and needed to be dealt with. So I read, a surfed, I asked, I talked, I read, I had counselling, I tested, I read, I asked..... No, I wasn't dealing with a future of disability, limited smiles and a lot of tough decisions and I cannot begin to imagine what that is like BUT she would not have been alone... not in the UK with all the support out there if you look for it. From the comments on the article, it sounds like she will need even more help now once the public get hold of the story....

Georgie said...

Thank you so much for sharing all this. It is so interesting and important to hear about other's experiences, especially when different from my own. I really agree with a lot of what you say in terms of your responsibility, and that you knew you had a child who would participate in your future. How hard it must be to know this is not the case.

Cathy said...

I do have a disabled child (severely autistic) though obviously not as profoundly disabled as Julia's daughter.

The whole story has made me very uncomfortable. Yes, she was clearly traumatised and depressed. It appears her partner was no help at all, to put it mildly. But, she says she refused antidepressants. She listened to people who told her she wouldn't be able to get help, but at no time does she appear to have contacted social services herself. Then she abandoned her daughter just when they got the formal diagnosis and she might well have been eligible for more help.

Lots of parents of disabled children have been in a similar position and have had dark thoughts about their children. But most of us know that we are adults with self control who would never act on those thoughts. We fight for what we need, we gain support from others in the same position.

We do that because we love our children. Unconditionally.

Georgie said...

Thank you so much for sharing this Cathy. I look forward to checking out your blogs. Gx

Anonymous said...

Looking at the photos of you with your beautiful baby girls, I think it would be impossible for you to know what that mother was going through. There is no way anyone can put themselves in her shoes, and as a mother of a severely disabled child myself, there are times when you do imagine your child may be better of with someone else. It does not mean you do not love them, but your ideas about parenthood change when disability enters your world - you must think of your child. Parents of 'normal' healthy children, must be thankful for their children, yet not judgemental of parents with disabled children and their decisions. Walk a mile in their shoes and then make judgement. Thank you. From Stella.

Georgie said...

Thank you Stella you are absolutely right and I am so glad you wrote this. I have been thinking about it a lot since I wrote this post and feeling extremely grateful for the healthy children I have. I should add that what I was trying to convey was not a judgment of the mother herself - being so far from what she has experienced I can hardly imagine it or empathise with her (I certainly can sympathise) let alone judge her decision - but rather that I just felt so sad about the whole story and, in particular, the media response to it all. There was something about her story that came across as being all about her own needs rather than her child's, but again, perhaps this too is just the media portrayal of it, and heightened by the comments I read. I have since imagined the disappointment and despair I would feel if I were in her shoes and thought about her need to write about it all. A part of me regrets writing about her at all actually. Although she has invited a public debate, surely only those with any experience should take part in it - i.e. you and not me! Thank you for making me think and feel some more about all this.